Resolution?

Yesterday, my friend Ashley and I were talking--er, she was listening to me jump from topic to topic venting about my kids. You need to do that sometimes ya know. Even though they are your sweet children they are still people....and people can get on your last freaking nerve. 

Anyway, the topic of resolutions came up. Ash asked me if I made them, and said she never really gets into it. I do. I don't write them down. I think when it comes to resolutions I always set the bar way too high when I write them down. Then it's just sad to look back in March and see that I really am not on track. All of my resolutions are family oriented. I want to be more purposeful in praying with the kids and as a family, I want to get back on a daily routine, be a better wife, etc. 

But for some reason today as I was driving down the road looking at Lucy in my rear view mirror I thought of a resolution that trumps all of the others. And if I can work on this one thing, I think everything else will be easier to do.

The resolution at hand is finding freedom from my mother. I know I am married with a family of my own, but there's still a little part of me that feels like a 13 year old who has to have her mom's approval. Not so much that I value what she says, but more because I am so envious of families that are close(particularly mother/daughter relationships) that I want her to be happy regarding me. I guess maybe I am painting an unfair picture of my mom. Lets dig deeper.

As far as working, keeping us fed, clothed, and all the normal things a parent does she gets an A+. Even for holidays and birthdays, she was great. happy birthday message on my mirror with balloons when I woke up was always awesome. Vacations? Went to Disney 3 different times, and the beach twice a year every year. I want to be fair to her and say that she did a wonderful job in those aspects of parenting. The part where she failed though, was our day-to-day interactions and relationship. She is a very negative, stressed out  person. 

So, lets talk about the things I am not so fond of. When I was growing up, if we got into an argument she would state her opinion, then run up to her room, slam the door in my face and lock the door for HOURS. Uh, doesn't that sound like what the teenager usually does to the mother?? My relationship was the opposite. I wanted to talk stuff out--I have been told I will talk things to death, she didn't. Meals? UM, McDonald's? Taco Casa? KFC? take your pick. It was the norm for my dad to go to four different places to get dinner for each member of our family. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. if we did eat at home it was frozen pizza or something similar. I do remember on occasion, usually during the summer, there were a couple of meals cooked. Usually fried chicken, corn on the cob, okra, mashed potatoes. Haha, when they did cook they did it right at least! That was also usually the only time we ate at the table. Any other time, each person was in their own space. I ate dinner in my room most nights in front of my little tv watching Friends. 

My mother was a teacher. Which meant she was at home with me and my brother during the summer. Anyone that i know that is a teacher is living it up with their kids when they are out for the year. Not my mom. She would stay in the bed until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. And would be in a terrible mood when she did surface. 

My mother had/has an unhealthy relationship with her parents. She is an only child, and whereas I am not all that close to her, she is the exact opposite with her family. 2 hour long phone calls every day to my grandmother seems a bit much to me. EVERY DAY? Anything and everything my grandparents thought or did my mom was a fan of. It's like she felt as if she couldn't have a difference of opinion from them, or even try anything new. Ex: when my mom has a headache she takes Tylenol. I'm not sure if my mom has ever, EVER used any other pain killer. Why? Because my grandparents don't. Once when I was over there and felt a migraine coming on I asked did she have any Excedrin. She said no with a tone implying that I was an idiot for even asking that, made a face, and said "why do you want Excedrin? I have Tylenol!" She CANNOT veer off the path. For Christmas, when George and I moved into our new house my grandparents got us a dishwasher. We were told to go to Home Depot or Lowe's and pick out any dishwasher we wanted......as long as it was a Kitchen Aid. That's what brand my grandparents like, so naturally that is what brand my mom liked, and I was going to like it too. It wasn't just "we really like the Kitchen Aid brand, theyve always been a great brand and lasted for forever". It was as if any other brand aside from Kitchen Aid was not a reputable company? Maytag, Whirlpool, Kenmore, all crap. Oh, did they have bad experiences with these other brands of appliances? Nope. They have just always used Kitchen Aid, so that's what I will be using as well. The End. 

Maybe these things seem trivial, but to me more important that going on vacations and making birthdays special is making the every day life you live with your family happy. Mine just wasn't. I strive to be a better "everyday mom" for my kids than I had, and look up to my mother for the special memories she did create. 

So, after this long novel, my resolution is this: I will stop caring and trying to word my sentences in a way that I know will please my mom, just for the sake of not making her mad. I give her a very filtered view of my life. Mostly one that I know she will approve of because i feel like a failure when she sighs and makes comments about things we choose to do. I am releasing myself from that. If I stop and think about it (and hello, obviously I have!) I don't want to be the person she is, so why do I give a rats ass if she approves or likes something I am doing. Maybe I can't have that closeness I long for with my own mother, but I can choose to have it with my daughter. And Lucy and I are off to a great start since she already adores me. I plan to keep that feeling alive for the rest of my life :)

So, I can't be the only one out there with a weird mother/daughter relationship. I also can't be the only one who constantly seeks approval, even though they know most of the time they won't get it. Share!